Ahhh...the Toothbrush Purchase

This past Wednesday, I noticed I needed a new toothbrush. Normally, I just go to 'dollar store' and pick up whatever they have available, not concerned with much, other than it comes with bristles. Well, that all changed after watching television Friday night.

Is it just me, or is the proportion of toothbrush commercials way out of whack for the importance that toothbrushes play in our society? Maybe it was just me 'noticing' these commercials because I needed one at the time. But I swear, it seemed every program I watched had at least one commercial for toothbrushes. I can understand the numerous commercials for food, cars, beer, shampoo, deodorant, and tampons (another rant in the making), but why are there so many for toothbrushes?

It’s not like the commercials are merely about brushing your teeth. No, that's ‘too’ simple. Every toothbrush commercial has to show off the latest new-fangled toothbrush handle and toothbrush head. I suspect, since toothbrushes basically consist of a handle and a head (bristles), the ad companies don't have much to work with; so we get these commercials where all they tout are "ergonomic handles", and such. What the hell? Is there an epidemic at Emergency Room Wards of people who have carpal-tunnel syndrome from brushing their teeth? Do you really need your toothbrush handle to fit every curve of your hand? Like who in the world gives a ‘poopie’ about the 'ergonomics' of the toothbrush handle when the whole 'brushing' experience takes less than 2 minutes…three times a day?? Yet, in some mysterious way our 'lemming based' society swallows the techno-jargon of these advertisers and buys this crap. As if style trumps function in ensuring a cavity free experience.....riiiggghhht! Oh, and did I mention these ‘innovative’ designs can go for as much as a ‘sawbuck’!!

Also, they brag about what the handle is made of…"Super-NASA-space-age-rubber-Kevlar-Nanotube coating!" Okay, a slight exaggeration of fact, I admit; but you get my point. Since when was there a problem with just plain plastic, that we all are being sold to migrate to these newer composite materials? Do I really need my toothbrush to be able to stay in my grip even if I'm willing to execute cartwheels on my living room floor? I can't imagine brushing so briskly that friction should play a part in protecting me from heat buildup. You want to protect me from heat buildup; how about designing a Kevlar condom? Now that I can buy into!

And what about the toothbrush head and bristles? How many different angles can you set those bristles and still be able to ‘wow’ people thru a commercial. "Look! Bristle angles at 37.5 degrees for the ultimate clean!", how pedestrian does it get folks! How about offsetting, compound bristles with little plastic nubbins that massage the gums for the whitest teeth and freshest breath! All of them are very multi-colored too...with the helpful addition that when the color rubs down to halfway, it's the signal to buy a new toothbrush! How convenient. Thanks so much to all the toothbrush companies for coloring the bristles with something that rubs away after about 10 brushes. What, time to buy a new toothbrush already?? Wow, that was fast...but the toothbrush is telling me so, so it must be right?!?

Okay, so I’ve digressed into a ‘black hole’ of ‘ad infinitum’ from what this antidotal is all about, purchasing a new toothbrush.
Anyway, instead of going to Dollar Store to purchase a replacement toothbrush, I went to Walmart this past Thursday, instead. Yep, you’ve got it, I’m looking for these toothbrushes touted in the commercials. Curiosity kills the cat, right? Living in Fort Walton Beach, Walmart is the only place in this town that carries a 'full line' of anything; so if there’s a cutting edge toothbrush to be had, it would certainly be at Walmart!?!


It didn’t take long before the sober reality of it all brought the virtual world of toothbrush advertisement to reality. Okay, it’s true, dozens of toothbrushes lined up shelf upon shelf. It's absolutely insane. Never mind just ‘brush-heads’ with offset bristles at 37.5 degrees; it doesn’t stop there. Many more are convex, concave, bell-curved, cross-hatched, zigzag, etc. For $5.95 you can get one that has a handle that lights to the rhythm of your stroke! Then you have an assortment of electric toothbrushes! Check out the ones that have brush-heads that spin clockwise and counterclockwise, ones that move up and down, ones that spin and move up and down, ones that use "sonic" power. Sonic power?? Sheesh! What the hell is that all about? I suppose that as one strokes back ‘n’ forth in the brushing motion, the bristles make a distinctive high pitch whistling noise; the faster the stroking action the more superior the airflow in the mouth cavity. Hmmm….I bet with a little bit of practice you could ‘perfect pitch’ to the following lyrics sung to the tune of ‘The Old Oaken Bucket’:

‘How dear to my heart is the old family toothbrush
The old family toothbrush that hung by the sink
The old family toothbrush, the moss-covered toothbrush
The old family toothbrush that hung by the sink.

First it was white Then it was yellow, now it's just dirty and covered with slime.
First it was father's, then it was mother's,
Then it was brother's, AND SOON ‘TWILL BE MINE!’

I suspect with a little imagination you could justify purchasing these electronic marvels for their ‘multi-use' potential. If I opted to purchase one of the electric models, I'd opt for one that you can stick dildo attachments to and offer it to any girlfriend I might have as an addition to her 'pocket rocket' collection.

I guess I'm too practical for the masses buying into the hype with the new technology toothbrushes. I'll stick to a medium bristle model at dollar store and be happy!:). C’ya later Walmart!

C'ya next week, folks!